The One Time I Mistook Abuse for Love

There was a time in my life when I mistook abuse for love.

Not because I wanted to be abused. Not because I was incapable of recognizing right from wrong. I was young, inexperienced, and I didn’t yet understand that some behaviors that look like love can actually be early signs of control.

Looking back now, I can see the blueprint.

It started with love bombing.

Building on my last post about the blueprints we carry into adulthood, we also have to talk about what happens when those blueprints leave us vulnerable to the wrong people.

It takes immense clarity to look back at a relationship and recognize exactly when the dynamic began to change. We often look for obvious red flags, a physical altercation, a threat, or some dramatic moment when everything becomes undeniable. But the psychological groundwork for control can be laid long before a hand is ever raised.

Sometimes, the signs are there. We simply don’t yet have the experience, language, or perspective to recognize what we’re seeing.

If you are trying to understand whether a relationship has the potential to become psychologically or physically abusive, look at the early architecture of the relationship.

These are patterns I have learned to recognize through my own experience.

1. Fast-Tracking and Love Bombing

Abuse doesn’t necessarily begin with cruelty. Sometimes it begins with an overwhelming amount of attention, affection, promises, and certainty.

You are placed on a pedestal almost immediately. The relationship moves at a speed that feels romantic because you interpret the intensity as proof of love.

That was part of my experience.

I was young when I met him. Things moved quickly. I was introduced to his parents, and before I fully understood what was happening, wedding plans were being discussed. The remarkable part was that they were planning a wedding without me even realizing I was the bride.

At that age, I didn’t recognize the intensity as a warning sign. I thought, Wow, this man really loves me.

But intensity isn’t the same thing as intimacy.

Someone can be deeply interested in you without trying to accelerate your entire life before they have taken the time to truly know you.

2. When Attention Becomes Surveillance

Then came something I initially interpreted as devotion.

He quit his job, saying he wanted to further his education. He began taking me to work every morning and picking me up every afternoon.

Again, I thought, He loves me. He wants to take care of me.

But eventually, I noticed something unsettling.

After dropping me off at work, he would sometimes remain hidden in the parking lot and wait for me to finish my shift.

I asked him why he was doing it.

His explanation was that his mother had been controlling and verbally abusive toward his father, and that he was afraid of repeating what he had witnessed growing up.

At the time, I heard the explanation.

I didn’t recognize the behavior.

That’s an important distinction.

An explanation for controlling behavior does not make the behavior healthy.

Someone’s childhood may help explain where certain behaviors come from, but it does not excuse controlling, threatening, or abusive behavior.

Later, I discovered that he had been arrested in connection with domestic abuse.

Looking back, the signs were there.

I simply didn’t have the framework to understand them.

3. Subtle Boundary Testing

Control often begins with small things.

A joke at your expense.

A demand for constant access to you.

Questioning where you are.

Wanting to know who you are talking to.

Becoming upset when you spend time with other people.

And when you object, you hear:

“You’re too sensitive.”

“You’re overreacting.”

“I only do this because I love you.”

“You’re making me act this way.”

The issue isn’t necessarily one isolated incident. It’s the pattern.

When someone repeatedly pushes against your boundaries, then makes you feel guilty for having them, they are teaching you that keeping the relationship peaceful requires you to surrender pieces of yourself.

What Makes Someone More Vulnerable to Abuse?

There isn’t one personality type that causes someone to become abused, and being abused is never the victim’s fault.

However, certain circumstances can make it harder for someone to recognize abuse, resist control, or leave an unsafe relationship.

Low Self-Esteem

When someone already struggles with their sense of worth, an abusive partner may exploit that vulnerability by making them feel inadequate, unlovable, or responsible for the relationship’s problems.

Over time, the person being abused may begin to believe they deserve the treatment they are receiving.

They don’t.

Financial Dependence

Money can become a powerful mechanism of control.

When one partner controls the household finances, while the other has limited income, savings, transportation, or access to resources, leaving can become significantly more difficult.

Financial dependence can create an imbalance of power that keeps someone trapped not because they want to remain in the relationship, but because they don’t see a realistic way out.

This is why economic abuse and financial control deserve to be part of the conversation about domestic violence.

The Signs Were There. I Just Couldn’t See Them Yet.

When I look back at my own experience, I don’t do so to shame the younger woman I was.

She didn’t have the knowledge I have today.

She interpreted control as love.

She interpreted constant attention as devotion.

She interpreted fast commitment as certainty.

She heard explanations for troubling behavior and accepted them because she wanted to believe the best in someone she loved.

And that’s why I share this.

Not to look backward with regret, but to stand firmly in the present and become a mapmaker for someone else.

Sometimes the first step toward recognizing abuse isn’t seeing the explosion.

It’s recognizing everything that came before it.

The love bombing.

The rushed commitment.

The boundary testing.

The surveillance disguised as concern.

The isolation disguised as intimacy.

The volatility disguised as passion.

The apologies that follow the explosion.

The signs may not arrive wearing a warning label.

Sometimes they arrive looking like love.

So trust your intuition when something feels wrong, even when your heart wants to make excuses.

Love should not require you to surrender your voice, your independence, your relationships, your financial security, or your ability to trust your own mind.
And remember: understanding someone’s past may explain their behavior, but it never requires you to tolerate their abuse.