The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants. But the Mind Has a Say Too

Over the years, I’ve come to understand just how complex love and attraction really are. We like to believe we can create a list of what we want, meet someone who checks the boxes, and somehow love will fall neatly into place.

But human attraction doesn’t work that way.

There’s an old saying: the heart wants what the heart wants. And there is some truth to that. We don’t always consciously choose who attracts us. Sometimes there is an immediate pull toward someone we barely know, while another person can seemingly have everything we say we want and still not create that same feeling.

That’s because attraction isn’t based on one thing.

Physical attraction matters. Emotional connection matters. Familiarity matters. Timing matters. Our previous experiences matter. And underneath all of that are the patterns, expectations, and associations we’ve accumulated throughout our lives.

This is where The Two-Track Mind becomes important.

One part of us can consciously say, I know exactly what I want in a partner. Meanwhile, the automatic track is responding to something entirely different familiarity, chemistry, emotional associations, previous relationship experiences, and patterns we may not even realize we have learned.

That helps explain why someone can know a relationship isn’t right for them and still feel attracted to the person.

It also explains why finding the “right person” isn’t necessarily as simple as becoming more selective.

I often see women posting that they’ve given up on finding love because they’re tired of meeting the wrong people. I understand the frustration, but I have my own saying:

Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs and learn how to swim among the sharks.

Not because suffering is a requirement for finding love. It isn’t. But experience teaches discernment.

Every person you meet doesn’t have to become your person.

Some people teach you what attraction feels like without compatibility. Some teach you what chemistry feels like without commitment. Some show you intimacy without passion. Others may offer commitment but lack the emotional connection you need.

And occasionally, you meet someone who teaches you what you should never accept again.

Those experiences aren’t necessarily wasted.

The problem begins when we keep kissing the same frog wearing a different outfit.

If every relationship repeatedly produces the same emotional outcome, eventually we have to stop looking only at the people we’re choosing and become curious about what within us keeps recognizing that particular dynamic as attractive, familiar, exciting, or worth pursuing.

That is where dating becomes more than searching for someone else. It becomes an opportunity to understand yourself.

What attracts me?

What keeps me interested?

What causes me to overlook incompatibility?

What am I unwilling to compromise on?

And perhaps most importantly: Am I choosing what is healthy for me, or simply what feels familiar to me?

There is also another reality we don’t talk about enough: not every person we meet is looking for the same stage or type of relationship.

Someone can genuinely like you and still not want commitment. Someone can be passionate about you without wanting intimacy. Someone can enjoy emotional closeness without wanting to build a life together.

That doesn’t automatically make either person wrong.

It may simply mean the relationship cannot provide what both people need.

So when someone says, “I’m giving up on love,” I sometimes wonder whether they’re really giving up on love or whether they’re exhausted from repeatedly trying to turn incompatible connections into compatible ones.

There is a difference.

Finding love isn’t about endlessly tolerating disappointment, and it certainly isn’t about accepting disrespect just because dating is difficult. It’s about developing enough self-awareness and discernment to recognize sooner when something isn’t right for you.

Yes, you may kiss a few frogs.

And yes, occasionally you may find yourself swimming among sharks.

But with experience, you learn something important:

You don’t have to kiss every frog, and you don’t have to stay in the water with every shark.

The goal isn’t simply to find someone who wants you.

It’s to understand yourself well enough to recognize the person whose way of loving is compatible with the way you need to be loved.

The Emotional Decoding Framework™Suzette M. Lindo